Been Spending Most Our Lives - Livin' in a Lameness Paradise

Once in a blue moon, San Antonio transcends the lame threshold.

Ladies and Gentleman, we've done it again!

In fact, I don't think I've had this much fun in our fair city since...that rival gang bike ramble we did last year. If you'll remember, a small group of my L|F co-workers and I joined forces to become the Alamo Basement Riders - each of us portraying a different character for the highly under-rated Tim Burton classic, "Pee-Wee's Big Adventure." Considering how it seamlessly combined our location with the evening's activity, it was the perfect pop culture phenomenon to choose as our bike gang's theme. This year we had a damn near impossible time agreeing on anything.

Vicki desperately lobbied for us to do the Van Trapp Singers. Yeah, like from the Sound of Music. Oh, Vicki...

Then, Heather Weiler took initiative to get everyone else on board for a slew of other ideas including but not limited to: Beatles on Bikes (yeah!), Bad Bluthe Bikers (Arrested Development), and the Big Lebowski Bikers - which is what they ended up settling on.

Feeling like this was the wrong choice (C'mon!), I turned to my good friend Marc Toppel, who I know harbors an affinity for 80's nostalgia and could damn well pull off a convincing Elliott from E.T:Extra Terrestrial. Finding out that the kid who played Elliot in the 1982 classic film is originally from San Antonio made this an enticing choice, and I appealed to Marc's sensibilities to let me join his gang.

"Marc," I stated, "I would like to join your gang...but I'd want to be the title character. How would you like to be my Elliott?"

"Absolutely NOT," he replied in a very business-like, casting director tone, "You are too hairy to be my ET."

Marc was obviously unaware of my grand scheme to make my hair vanish, by wrapping my entire body in panty-hose, mummy-style, but feeling rejected, I turned to my good friend Vicki.

"Vicki - you know we could be John and Yoko...BEATLES ON BIKES! You know you want to..."

"Ben, as if every Halloween wasn't often enough. How many times do we have to go through this? Just because I am the token Asian of San Antonio doesn't necessarily mean...blah, blah, blah. Besides, I've got my Van Trapp group!"

"Seriously? You're still doing that?" I also mentioned, "Don't you know that the real Von Trapps were Nazis?"

Anyway, my friend Desiree and I brainstormed one night and we were thinking of clever gang names/themes. I almost had her talked into being my Yoko substitute when she came up with this idea: "Gangster's Paradise."

"Like the Coolio song?"

"I think so."

"Yeah," I agreed. "That could be really funny - like we're Gangster's in paradise...or on vacation."

And thus it was. Desiree invited her boyfriend Christopher and I my friend Karen Krajcer. We had our rival gang. And we were going to kick Marc Toppel's as at being fierce gang bikers. As well as every other gang there was ever going to be summiting on a crisp late March evening.

But - there was another source of discord abounding... THIS was discovered on the Internet as well as other sources of negative publicity going up around town. Perhaps an effort by our event coordinator - Marc Jones - to stir up some buzz??? I leave it to the people to decide.

On the day of the ride, I had a hell of a time getting my act together. I ran all around town finding accoutrement's  for our gangster's paradise look. Then, I went home and did something radical and fantastic. I didn't have the right tools, and it took me two hours, but I carved a topiary delight into my face. Since I had an empty palette (meaning full beard) to work with I pulled off a fierce and menacing look in facial landscaping that would instill fear and anguish into the souls of passers-by and fellow bikers alike. Or make them laugh horrendously. Mostly the latter.

Anyhow, when it was all said and done, and we had dressed, Karen and I drove into Southtown to unload our bikes at my friend Brian Langner's house.

He was busy meddling with his bike and told us to go on ahead to the rendezvous point.

Karen and I prepare our bikes for vacation with flowered draperies.

Caleb Patterson - a Lake|Flato intern from Ball State U/Ohio originally met up with us there, however - he was part of the ET gang and not dressed yet.

Suited up and ready to go, by stymied by multiple slow moving cargo trains, I reveal Master Gang Paradise!

Karen is a damn sexy vacationing, Bike Mama.

We arrived at 1906 and Fl!ght Galleries to what can only be described as chaotic Joy. There were over a hundred people. With Bikes. Most were dressed up in distinguishable gangs. Others just looked like a group of hoodlums.

Either way, it was bustling. That parking lot was inexplicably bursting with excitement.

Members of the Van Trapps and Big Lebowski Gangs.

Joseph Benjamin (JoeBen) as one of the Von Trapps.

Erik Weiler (Heather's brother with her husband) Jeremy Fields - as Walter and Lebowski, respectively.

 

Former L|F intern Sean Jursnick and his lady Jen came in from Austin - as the totally '80's, "Totally Awesome" Gang.

Myself with my token Asian beauty, Vicki. I could say that I think Vicki's hand-made, day-of curtain-like' dress looks a little like an Angela original from Project Runway (all she needed were some rosettes), but it had been brought to my attention that my costume looked a little less menacing than desired, and more like I just got off the boat at Fire Island.

Mark Jones picking up chicks, I mean collecting email addresses from attendees. He was our fearless leader for the evening.

Ok. As expected - Marc Toppel is definately a successful Elliott. But he over-estimated his ability to get an E.T. doll. This is where I am going to call him out and say that he claimed I wouldn't make a good E.T. BECAUSE I HAVE TOO MUCH HAIR - but instead he has a baby gorilla doll in the freaking basket which happened to be covered IN HAIR. Not that I'm bitter...

The Benjamins.

Heather W. as Lebowski "Dream Sequence Maude" and Krystal Fleeger, who's 31st birthday it was on the 31st!!!

L|F interns Katie Peterson and Conor Samuels as "La Touristas") with Sean and Jen beyond.

Desiree arrives with Chris and Karen works out her make-up.

Clay Hefty as a Von Trapp - check out his bike!

Cameron Standish and Jonathan Smith in the Lebowski crew. It's worth pointing out the Jonathan's rug says, "It tied the room together."

I love this portrait of Jeremy by Justin Parr, curator of Fl!ght Gallery and co-organizer.

Karen and I - photo by Justin Parr.

Nicolette Sheridan's gang, "Gang Green."

 

And we're off!

At first it was hard to keep the group together, but it was a short distance to our first stop -

An empty field.

Elliott against the backdrop of his full (blue) moon.

 

Chris and Desiree (on the phone with gang member Melissa who was lost.)

Krystal and Matt Fleeger.

We traipse through the field. (By Marc Toppel)

I like this one because we are across the street from my new office.

Then we entered the Riverwalk by the Main Street Pedestrian Bridge - photo by Parr.

The ride along the river - photo by Toppel.

Jones follows me along the river.

Coming to street level at Nueva, we briefly waited for everyone to accumulate before heading off through downtown.

The sun sets as we ride towards the Tower.

It was this point that I started giving Vicki a hard time about a very important detail she was leaving out as the leader of one such a Von Trapp family bike gang. And so, because Vicki said she had not had nearly enough to drink yet, I led several dozen bikers in a spirited rendition of "Do, Re, Mi," myself before deferring to Kristen.

I love this picture. We reek havoc through downtown, instilling much fear with our gargantuan horde of menacing bikers as we pass by tourists, locals, and transients.

Our first major stop of the evening was at a dive bar that I can't remember the name of, in some part of downtown that I'm also unsure about. When a hundred people suddenly arrive at an unsuspecting saloon of such caliber, they have no idea how to cope with their spasmodic fortunes. Seeing as how the bar was overwhelmed by the onslaught of our unforeseen collective presence, I thought it best to delve into the stash of Tecate I had thoughtfully stowed in my backpack and headed outside.

A perfect time for some group photos...

Miss Alison Stapely and Sir Brian Langner - having recently returned from a retreat to the Big Bend area, they went for the "Marfa Lights" as their gang theme. 

Reflective masks were fabricated. How resplendent they are!

Marc only had two people in his E.T. gang - he and Caleb (as one of the quarantine specialists.)

Meanwhile, I mustered up a formidable quintet - K-Dawg, myself, Desilu, Coconut Bra Christopher, and Mean Mother Melissa.

The Von Trapps - Vicki, Brantley Hightower as the evil Nazi Rolph, Kristen Wiese, Spencer "Chief" Park, and JoeBen.

 

Ali and I. Finally a cute picture of us.

Four of my all-time favorite ladies in San Antonio - Alison, Vicki, Kristen, and Karen.

Big Lebowski - Jeremy was probably wearing the most comfortable get-up.

Next, we biked over to where the river sort of comes into practical existence just North of Downtown. There, it had been arranged for Potter-Belmar Labs to provide us with a guerrilla visual extravaganza of sorts. They used a flat, concrete retaining wall to project the video images from the adjacent bridge across the river from a compact, but very long wheelchair ramp that made for an ideal ramshackle viewing gallery.

The audience is captivated.

Christopher and Desiree.

The bridge. Might be Josephine Street?

Kristen, Cameron Standish, Jonathan Smith.

Jeremy, Vicki, Brian Comeaux, and Chief.

Continuing up town toward Brackenridge Park, we took a pit-stop at a gas station for provisions, before moseying onward.

Alison will probably hate this picture, but we needed one sans mask.

The ride took us over to my favorite secret hiding spot - no longer secret - up N. St. Mary's behind the Sunken Gardens Theater.

The road sits high up - nestled between highway 281 and the Sunken Theater.

Cars zoom past us below.

Lights twinkle on the horizon overlook beyond.

Damn there were alot of us.

Alison, Brad Wier, and Siobhan.

Marc and Nico.

After a few false claims that the cops were on their way to break up our utter non-threatening excuse for trespassing, we bounded downhill again past the zoo.

Vicki and Comeaux.

From the zoo entrance, we continued through the River Road area and then paraded over and around the San Antonio Municipal Golf Course, being certain to leave a trail of muddy bike tracks in our wake.

I remember an endearing moment while following a pair of Gang Green members through the billowing tee-off hills and putting zones, when they started singing the actual "Gangster's Paradise" song by Coolio, but then couldn't remember the words and opted instead for the Weird Al Yankovic "Amish Paradise" version instead. I laughed my head off at them.

At the end of the course, we gathered in another gas station parking lot shortly before venturing off again.

Brad gets frisky with his friend Keli.

We by-passed the north side of downtown and veered Eastward through Government Hill around the Fort Sam Houston area. Then, we came upon a mythic East Side landmark - the abandoned Haight Street Bridge.

The bridge (seen here through the eyes of Marc Toppel), now defunct, transverses above still very active railroad tracks.

When the trains come, you can wave to the engineer - you're that close!

The train continues toward downtown on the other side of the bridge. The view of downtown from up there is spectacular!

Justin Parr continued his bike summit portraits. My favorites are below, but more can be access here.

I especially love the fierce glint in Karen's eyes, but The Marfa Lights trio really freaks me out a little.

We rode back through downtown, under the overpass exuding colorful lighting effects, past the Alamo, and the then the Friendship Torch. Just then, Desiree had the nasty spill of the evening, but I tell you - that girl is a trooper! She took a few moments to catch her bearings, wiped the blood from her nose, and got back on the bike. We rode through Southtown to our last stop of the night - approximately five hours after we met at the 1906 warehouse - at La Tuna bar.

I'm glad Marc stole this picture of the interaction we were having. It doesn't seem as funny now, but we were really giggly about the fact that I just lei-ed Alison. Ha. Get it?

Having biked so much and having exerted so much energy, it became apparent that the real last stop should be food. Saying goodnight to Karen - Caleb, Mark Jones, and Brian & Alison decided to ditch the bikes and drive into the Southside for a late night slop fest of Mexican cuisine.

I love Taquiera Guadalajara for so many reasons - it's open 24 hours (rare in San Antonio), no one who works there speaks any English, they have hand-written signs on the wall, muchas enchiladas verdes, Mariachi bands at 2AM - but most of all I love the framed portrait of the crummy shopping center housing their quaint establishment clearly being protected by both Bleeding Heart Christ AND the Virgin of Guadeloupe. It's so awesome! Taquiera Guadalajara must be really especial if both Jesus and Mary have been photographed simultaneously bestowing their gifts and blessings onto it.

Caleb and Brian.

The Mariachi Band - can you believe the guy was schlepping the string bass around the restaurant?

If nothing else, bike rambles help me remember why this big little city is so fantastic. It stands idly by and lets us have our fun. But mostly, San Antonio allows us to be ourselves. What more can you ask for.

Comments

[Daddio]

I loved the Bike Ramble Idea. I was wondering if drinking and biking was a "DUI" in Texas as it is here in FLA.

I resemble the remark about "looking like you just got off the "Fire Island Ferry".

Could you do away with the "DOG Collar" motif? I really think it doesn't do anything for your stellar image.

Also loved the tribute you gave us "rents" about the unconditional love and that you are going to work on visiting more often.

Love,
Daddio

[Jenny]

i can't believe i missed it! next time.

[Nicolette]

Nicolette Sheridan?!

[Nicolette]

Nicolette Sheridan?!